If you were to take a random poll of average Americans, the two things they would tell you NOT to do in England would be to not eat the food (an outdated stereotype, I assure you) and to not go to the dentist. Well, I can attest that I have been eating the food here for 20 months, and so far have not faced any dire consequences. My sense of taste is not limited to fried foods and mushy peas, I still recognize that Mexican food, if made properly, CAN be good, I still do not eat Marmite, and I now know there is more to London food than pies and pasties. Today I broke the second cardinal rule. I went to the dentist. I know.
I haven’t been to the dentist since my last trip home, in Feb/March of 2010. I was hoping to fit in a visit this time (we go home in 2 weeks) but with our schedule the dentist fell to the bottom of my “must do in SF list.” (The list is almost solely devoted to food, so you can tell my priorities. Healthy teeth? Let me eat first then I’ll worry about my teeth falling out) So I went to the dentist here to get things checked out, and to find out what can be done about my newly sore jaw, which I attribute to my teeth grinding. I made an appointment at a dental practice recommended online, and which is conveniently located about 2 blocks from our apartment. I figured if it was terrible I would only have a short distance to run home, screaming. Less embarrassing for sure.
I show up, and the office is, to use a British term, quite posh. Nice waiting room, nice receptionists, good magazine selection (Vanity Fair for example. Sweet). I was eventually called into the examining room, and it too was quite modern. I suppose part of me was expecting a chair out of the 18th century, rusty tools, a dentist missing his own teeth. But no, it was clean, and had a nifty waterspout that fills a cup with rinse water right up to the brim, at the press of a button. Overall it was acceptable to my discerning, American teeth eyes. So then the fun began.
I explained my problem to the dentist and he tells me I need a new night guard and that he will take an impression of my teeth in order to have one made. I hate impressions. That nasty stuff they use is just awful; I think we can all agree on that. So OF COURSE the first one doesn’t work. I swear that is always the case. You do one impression and then dentist says, “oh no, I need to do another.” Then you hear that another 4 times. So he took another impression and then tried to get it out. And it was STUCK. I know that stuff creates quite the suction in your mouth, but normally they pop right out. Not this one. He starts wiggling it, and pulling and I swear I thought he was going to PULL MY TEETH OUT. And then I would have to get British dentures. Could you even imagine? And making it worse a HUGE glob of the stuff was stuck to my tongue, way in the back. Luckily I could breathe out of my nose, but I still felt the blob blocking my throat and preventing me from swallowing and I though “this is it. I am going down with the impression glop and no teeth.” I was comforted by the fact Dave would have a good story to tell.
“So what happened to your wife?”
“Well she was getting an impression of her teeth done, and it got stuck, and not only did it pull all of her top teeth out, but she either choked or suffocated on the impression goo. They’re not sure which, there was too much of it in her mouth to tell.”
Pretty cool, right?
Anyhoodle, it finally came out, my teeth were intact and the tongue obstruction was gone. So the dentist tells me it will be ready tomorrow, I have to come back, the pain could very well go away as quickly as it came, and bye! See you tomorrow. And that was it! WHAT ABOUT THE CLEANING? WHAT ABOUT X-RAYS? Call me silly, but in the US, we get our teeth cleaned when we go to the dentist. I’m not trying to say the US is better or any of that crap (but have you seen the teeth here, so maybe I am) but seriously, was that all? He did mention that maybe he would do x-rays tomorrow during my 15 minute fitting appointment (will they have time to do x-rays? I doubt it) but there was NO mention of a cleaning or anything of that sort. So it got me thinking. Do I have to REQUEST a cleaning? “Hello, I’d like to make a dentist appointment. One that includes a cleaning please. Oh, you don’t do that here? OK, bye.” So I go back tomorrow. I don’t think I will report back as thoroughly as I have today, so rest assured, you won’t be reading two long dentist reports. Boooorrriinnnggg.
So what have I learned? Well, apparently, cleanings aren’t included unless specifically requested. I also felt like the dentist told me exactly what I had read online about 15 minutes before I left home. This reassured me, in that I CAN trust things I read online. But made me worried too. What if this supposed dentist guy goes home at night, reads the interwebs about dental topics trying to brush up on his tooth knowledge, wakes up, put his white dental jacket back on and goes to work. I didn’t even see his plaque and how many initials he has after his name. In my opinion, the more random letters the better. I would like my dentist to be known as Dr. So-and-so, DDS, FICD, MAGD, FAGD. What if this guy wasn’t even a DDS (or whatever DDS’s are here)? So now I am a bit worried and that means I will grind the hell out of my teeth tonight only making the pain worse. Then I will go back tomorrow, collect my guard, and go happily on my way. And when I get home I’ll call and try to make an appointment to see my dentist in California while I am visiting next month.
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