The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!*

Actually, it could be better than new phone books! The UK census arrived today. I saw on the morning news that they were starting to send them out, and were due to arrive tomorrow at the earliest. But alas! We got ours today. Do you think that means we're special? I do. I should have actually started this post with a warning - "Attention! The following posting will be really dorky. Proceed at your own risk." Or actually, if I were doing it in British sign speak it would say something like "kindly proceed at your caution henceforth." OK, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but seriously, they do have funny signs here.  Maybe I'll do a post on them soon. But don't hold your breath.

Anyhoodle, I am really dorky in that I am psyched to do the census. It's addressed to "the occupier" and damn it, I am the occupier, so I am filling that baby out. I immediately got all prepared.

See? Multiple pens, pencils, highlighters even. I am all set to go.

Why this excitement you ask? Well, because I don't think I have ever filled out a census form before. I didn't do the 2010 US census since I was living in London. And I don't remember doing the 2000 census. In 2000 I was...well, lets just say I was in my early 20's (vagueness is good). I probably got a census form, but god knows what I did with it. Unless it came with a crisp one dollar bill like the Nielsen survey, I just wasn't interested. So yes, I was and am geeky, but I also like a good bribe. Before that, perhaps I helped my parents fill one out. Considering how geeky I am about this census, most likely I was just as excited to do the 1990 one. I probably stole it from my parents' hands, took it to my room and spent my Saturday and Sunday filling it out, rather than going to the mall or movies or hanging out with friends. But if I did do that, thankfully I don't remember. Therefore, I can call this my first census. How exciting! And the UK one at that.

But I must confess, there is another reason why I am so eager to do this census.

Good lord, they threaten you with the law. Seeing that I immediately got worried that if I didn't fill this darn thing out, something terrible would happen. Would I lose my visa? Get thrown in prison? Would they send me back to the US on some charter flight that takes 27 hours to get there? I have seen pictures of English prisons and they don't look so nice. They're all old, and brick and scary looking. The kind they use in movies to really connote a terrible, awful existence. At least, I think I've seen pictures like that. It sounds familiar. Maybe I should google UK prisons...But either way, being a "lawyer"** myself, I feel as though I should obey the law and just fill this out. I can give up about 4 hours of my day to do so. No problem. Sounds like fun. And if it keeps me in this country and out of prison, all the better!

This makes me wonder if I am on some list of people who didn't fill out the US 2010 census. Do you think they have those lists? Does the US threaten people? (Dumb question. I am talking about the census only.) I wonder. Maybe next time I enter the country I'll be taken to some small room in the airport and interrogated for hours on end. Then forced to fill out the 2010 census in blood. Should I postpone my upcoming trip to SF? Hmmm...better think about it. But for now I should get to filling out the UK census, before it's too late.

* PS - that awesome reference is to "The Jerk." Know it? So funny. I could quote it for days. But I won't. You're welcome.
**I am not really a lawyer, but I like to call myself one. No really, I passed the Bar (woo-hoo) but that's it. So I am a "lawyer" not a lawyer. But address my letters as esquire anyway, please.